I weighed myself this morning. I'm just absolutely disgusting. Or maybe I'm just disgusted with myself. I've put on so much weight over the last couple of years. It has just crept on insidiously and now it holds on for dear life. I initially blamed it on Makenna, due to complications breastfeeding was cut short, so I never lost that baby weight. I can't really blame the last 20 pounds on her though, so who can I blame it on? Genetics? Lack of self-discipline? Food today that is essentially void of nutrition but packed with calories and fat. I was commenting to my husband last night, for the forty first time, I'm heavier then I've ever been in my life but I enjoy food less then ever. Things seem to taste bland, I don't enjoy the purity of food that I did at one time, I just find myself mechanically packing it into my mouth and watching with horror as my backside expands. And my metabolism, don't even get me started on that. I can look at a chocolate bar and almost immediately begin to feel my pants tighten. I'm cursed with a slow metabolism...and hitting the 35 mark didn't help much either.
So I'm not sure what to do. I need to make a bigger commitment to my health, like many of us I'm certain. The funny thing is, that I eat pretty healthy, not too much processed food, lots of organic and whole foods. I'm the healthiest eater I know, but quantity over quality does have something to do with it. I'm really not caught up on the whole weight thing, but I can't afford to keep buying bigger clothes and it's not going to get much easier to get off later. I really do have the self discipline of a slug. I'd like to think on that more later but for now I don't think my much damaged ego can take it at the moment.
So I think I'm going to start a food journal and start really watching my calorie consumption before I start making any drastic kneejerk (and temporary) changes. Maybe I can find the hidden patterns that I didn't see before that would clue me into what is going on and then start working on my self control to change things slowly. When my husband was lamenting on this exact same topic a month ago, I told him to start writing down everything he ate because he was probably eating more then he thought he was. Maybe I should follow my own advice. So wish me luck on this journey of eating self exploration. And although I'd love to lose 40 pounds..I'd be happy with 20, heck I'd be happy with 10! I can't afford to start knitting bigger sweaters!