Color me....

So of course, when you are not working anymore, what is the first natural course of action?  To go shopping and to buy a new prize!  Ok, so maybe it wasn't the most logical thing to do since we are flat broke but I certainly felt better for about five minutes afterward!  I am the proud new owner of a Schacht  Flip Folding Loom.  I got it at Paradise Fibers and I'm very happy about the personal customer service so I would without a doubt recommend them.    I called the store number with about a gazillion questions and no knowledge and they were able to quickly and proficiently guide me towards the new piece of weaving beauty which will undoubtedly be used but eventually banished to the corner holding my spinning wheel.

Although retail therapy and misguided thoughts of updating my blog on a regular basis give me enough umph to put on a pretty smile, things still suck. I've been battling a month long bout of deep dark depression that is to be only interrupted by Wednesday and Friday night beer drinking events and maintaining at least a tad bit of decency at being a good mother.  I hate feeling like this, feeling so lost and annoyed with life's turn of events.  I have yet to find a job and am suspicious of securing real employment in teaching after the fiasco of my old job.  I'm not sure if it's karmic law biting me in the butt because I've had a blessed life and in many accounts still do. Or if it's some mid-life hormonal imbalance but regardless, the mantra of my life keeps replaying like that of a crazy dying person. I'm 36, I have two kids, I have no job, I can't afford to get divorced from my husband who is embracing his new found freedom like that of a toddler in a candy store, I have a giant dog, three rats, four hamsters, and a boyfriend.  (Yes, that last one is right and normally puts me over the edge. I can't even say boyfriend without feeling a tinge of something slightly unpleasant.) 

My credit card bills are ridiculously high, my house is a mess, and I would be happy to just buy take out for dinner every night but then the thoughts of not being able to pay my car payment brings me back to reality and a box of gluten and dairy free mac and cheese pops out of the cabinet.  I don't like feeling like this, and I'm always the one to say - it's not all that bad, we make decisions, we control our destiny, we empower ourselves, we can just as easily choose to be happy as we can choose to be sad.  But it all seems like crap.  I'm incredibly moody, very quick to get all fired up over something stupid, and I just feel like i"m in a funk.  Maybe therapy and anti-depressants are a good idea at this point in time but I'm one to always appreciate the quick fix (which is a huge issue in and of itself) and I know that happy pills will probably not make me happy fast enough.  What I need is a good shake a hard slap across my face. I need a proverbial ass kicking so I can see the silver lining and realize that there are many other women out there who would love to be in my situation.   I mean, seriously, it's not great but it's a whole lot better than a lot of people.  So I'm going to trudge on, smile, drink on Wednesdays and Fridays (those are my I get to go out and don't have to be a stay at home mom for a couple hours) and wake up one day and choose to be happy.  In the meantime I should probably clean my house, and knit something, and cook something that doesn't come out of a box and take my dog for a longer walk and work on that new quilt that I painted my bedroom for but never got around to making.  In the mean time maybe I should just breath, stop obsessing, and bake cookies.  In the meantime maybe I should actually accept that the failure of my marriage is not the failure of my life, accept that I will eventually get a job, and things will work out so I should just stop and smell the roses while I still have time.  Thanks for listening. 

 

 

Comments

[Mama Urchin]

I think the trick is to find a balance between kicking your own butt and giving yourself a break. Just try not to do too much of either one.

[caitlyn]

I am sorry that things have been so rough, Heather. I like Mama Urchin's advice. And I wish we were neighbors so that we could bake cookies together. :)

[wench costume]

LOL at mama urchin.. ;) Thanks for the post. I really enjoyed reading..

[Ruinwen]

I'm sorry that your situation has not improved. You are ever in my prayers and on my healing altar...and you know that I'm here if you need to talk to someone. *hugs*

I love...love...love your weaving. You always take to a new craft like a duck to water. You ooze with raw talent and make the most beautiful things.
*hugs to you, the girls and your furry contingent*
:)

[BethC]

Big hugs coming your way! Wish I was closer and could help... The weaving looks awesome.

[Zonda]

((hugs)) I do like what Mama Urchin said, well put! Nice weaving though :)

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